Charles Band – Full Moon Horror Road Show Tour
June 8th, 2008
By Josh "Prawg Dawg" Turner
Editor's Note...The following whimsical missive is our first contribution from Prawg Dawg, whose stream of consciousness style is hard to mistake. His first effort is a report from the recent Full Moon Horror Road Show Tour that stopped in Madison, WI. --Dr. Mality)
To a degree, this Creepshow was a glorified fundraiser and an advertisement for Full Moon Direct.
As it turns out, a large portion of the time was dedicated to raffling off prizes and conducting bidding wars for replica puppets and props. When they weren't doing that; Charles Band was directing a mock production that dealt with cannibal women, killer freaks, and strippers. Did you expect anything less?
Most of the hustle and bustle around this playtime was monopolized by a casting call that featured a handful of unqualified candidates and rejects. In between the auctions and enactments, we were treated to the most outlandish movie trailers.
What's odd is that men applied to roles that were normally meant for women.
I guess that's not all that strange when you tally up the number of dudes in proportion to chicks. For this reason, they should have chosen some other subject matter, because it just got too weird.
In my opinion, the real horror was the beer guts that were exposed.
As for the heroines that actually did participate, Charles Band tried his best to coax them into a state of undress. Unfortunate for him, these gals were having none of it. Good for them!
Afterwards, the lobby was dominated by a vast array of lewd and lascivious sales items.
To let you in on a dirty secret, Charles Band is the director of Puppetmasters and Re-Animator. After his successful stint with Empire Pictures, he spun this off into Full Moon Direct. At last count, the number of productions he's produced has blown past the 200-movie mark.
With the likes of King Bong and Dangerous Worry Dolls actively in the pipeline, I cannot say his sole source of income is in his movies these days. Instead, it seems as if he is keeping the faithful in check by accepting credit cards and cash for rare box sets and demonically-copied low-grade Muppet memorabilia.
Looking back, we experienced a variety show and aside from the taxing sales spiel; it was amusing - to a degree - just like his films.
Charles Band was filled with stories from the set. While fans appreciated overdramatized tales that touched upon his painstaking efforts to find attractive dames, I was intrigued mostly by his accounts of Gary Busey. It was also interesting to note that Demi Moore and Viggo Mortenson kicked off their careers in some of his cheesiest flicks.
Speaking of which, he introduced us to a future prospect named Robin Sydney who reminds me of my sister. Unlike your average celebrity, she was smart, approachable and friendly. [I'm talking about Sydney but the same could be said of my sis.]
In case you're wondering, there was a clear-cut highlight of the night.
One of the impromptu actors was the splitting-image of Animal from the World Wrestling Federation. When asked to rush the cage (yes, there was a cage with two innocent girls locked inside), Animal's evil twin lifted the cage off its screws and almost flung it off the stage. It seems he missed the obvious fact that the enclosure was a frail rig, and that he was only supposed to "pretend" he was trying to break onto the other side.
Aside from that, there were a couple of unplanned pratfalls that resulted in a string of nervous chuckles.
Even if this shtick should be flushed early and often: Aligned with the Ghoulies' tagline, this pitchman and his acrylic misfits will get you in the end.