by Dr. Abner Mality
When the Good Doctor was a little ghoul, way back in prehistory, the media was full of fabulous tales of how robots would be everywhere by the year 2000. Well, 2000 is almost here and the robots that have shown up are a pretty dull lot. Most of them are those giant mechanical arms that put Neons together at Chrysler or little automated carts that whiz around hospitals and office buildings!
How disappointing! Real robots are the ones we remember from comic books, movies or sci-fi...metallic creatures with personality, uncanny in their mimicry of life. Sorry to contradict mass opinion, but when it comes to robots, fiction is better than truth. So I, Dr. Abner Mality, have assembled a list of what I consider to be ten of the coolest robots ever to appear in film and TV.
This list does not include androids, mechanical beings that look almost completely human. I think a real robot should look obviously artificial, even clunky. That leaves out characters like Star Trek's Data or the near-men of the Alien movies. Also out are advanced computers such as 2001's HAL which are not ambulatory. A true robot needs to move.
Here, in reverse order, are ten of fiction's most amazing automatons:
10. Target: Earth (1954)
An almost totally forgotten sci-flick from the 50's, It features some of the most impressive-looking old style robots ever created. These mean mothers have come from Venus to annihilate the human race and they've done a pretty good job of it. When the film starts, there are only six people left alive in Chicago...and the robots are determined to hunt them down and finish them off once and for all.
These Venusian raiders are tall and menacing, with corrugated arms and legs. The best thing about them is the cyclops-like eye in their head unit that fires disintegrating death beams. Although it's not the greatest movie, Target: Earth is unjustly ignored today.
9. Chopping Mall (1986)
In 1986, a completely different kind of "slasher" movie was released to the public. The premise of this low-budget gem is outrageous yet clever: a group of teens gets trapped after hours in a shopping mall patrolled by killer robots.
These security robots go haywire and use laser beams to decapitate the unfortunate humans in their path. Much like R2-D2, the "choppers" are not fancy and fully functional. But they pursue their lethal objectives with complete devotion: true killing machines.
"Chopping Mall" is not a classic but it features welcome humorous touches, real suspense, gore, some nice topless scenes with hot babes and, of course, neat robots.
8. Star Trek: Episode 37 "The Changeling" 1966
Of course, the Good Doctor is a total Star Trek fanatic. Weird robots and killer computers often appeared on the original series but none so terrifying as the remorseless "Nomad". Appearing in this episode, Nomad is a rather bland looking cylindrical robot that proves to be the deadliest threat the original crew ever faced.
The product of a merger between a primitive early Earth space probe and an alien device of unimaginable power, Nomad's objective is simple: to rid the universe of imperfection. Since Nomad believes all living things to be imperfect, it simply "sterilizes" all life it encounters without exception. The Borg of later Trek series are weak-kneed wimps when compared to Nomad. Only the mistaken belief that Captain Kirk is its creator spares the crew of the Enterprise from instant annihilation.
But in chilling scenes, Nomad still torments the crew, sending Uhura back to childhood, killing Scotty easily (and resurrecting him just as easily) and erasing others completely before the ever-resourceful Kirk manages to get Nomad to destroy itself.
I still have to smile when remembering Nomad's nervous breakdown. In a helium-hyped cartoon voice, it nervously announces "Error! Error! Sterilize imperfection!" Nomad remains one of the original Trek 's best characters.
7. Kronos (1957)
This neglected flick gives us a giant robot just as relentless as Nomad. Again proving that the simplest villains are the best, Kronos is basically a giant featureless cube equipped with piston-like legs (portrayed by animation) that sucks up all energy on Earth.
Already huge to begin with, Kronos grows and grows as he drains more of Earth's power and sends it to his mysterious alien masters. A novel menace in an age dominated by giant insects and reptiles, Kronos is one of the best 50's low-budget sci-fi flicks and I'm happy to say that it's garnering some deserved attention in recent years.
6. Lost in Space (1965)
Most baby boomers grew up watching Irwin Allen's campy TV show Lost in Space so it's natural that many of them see that show's robot as one of the archetypes. And why not? As silly as the show often was, the Robot (as he was simply known) was a marvelous creation.
With his barrel-shaped body, motorized treads, ice-tong hands and bubble-head full of flashing lights, this Robot is a masterpiece of design. And he was a true servant of humanity, able to perform almost any function, no matter how mundane. Acting as guardian to the starlost Robinson family, the Robot often sparred with the intensely annoying stowaway Dr. Smith.
Cattily played by Jonathan Harris, Smith heaped tons of insults on the Robot ("bubble-headed booby" was one of the kinder) but somehow the Robot, speaking with the melodious tones of Bob May, always got the upper hand.
Fortunately, May was retained as the voice of the Robot in the recent big-budget movie version of Lost In Space. While many aspects of the TV show were altered, the updated Robot came across rather well. He's still one of the best of the"friendly" robots out there.
5. Metropolis (1926)
One of the greatest SF movies (if not movies, period ) was the silent masterpiece Metropolis, directed by Fritz Lang. Fascinating to look at even today, this movie tells the tale of a fabulous future city ripped apart by class warfare.
There are many memorable scenes but to me, the standout was the creation of a breath-taking female robot, or Robotrix, to be more precise. The mad scientist Rotwang, determined to create strife in Metropolis, creates a feminine robot that will imitate the beautiful Maria, who is trying to inspire the downtrodden workers of the city's lower classes.
This evil twin of Maria will incite riots and armed revolt. In its original form, the Robotrix is a chillingly beautiful creation, gorgeous in its cold perfection and metallic splendor. In a spectacular lab scene, Rotwang clothes his creation in flesh, creating a duplicate of Maria. When the now-transformed creature opens her eyes, we see inhuman evil...the exact opposite of the angelic Maria's serenity. A great scene. What a robot! What a babe!
4. Terminator (1984)
The most memorable, of the modern robots, would be Arnold Schwarzenegger's Terminator. Yeah, technically this shouldn't count, because the Terminator is really a cyborg (combination of organic and mechanical parts). But after all the human flesh and meat is burned away, there's no doubt that the Terminator is 100% robot . That grinning, chrome-plated skull is the ultimate death's head and director James Cameron is quite right to begin the sequel Terminator II with a good close-up of it.
In movements, speech and single-mindedness of purpose, the Terminator of the original film is a complete automaton and it's a tribute to Schwarzenegger that he conveys this so completely. By the time the sequel rolled around, the first Terminator is well on his way to becoming more human. In fact, by the end of the movie, he's turned into Old Yeller. But the memory of the unstoppable killer from the first movie endures.
3. Colossus of New York (1958)
Few have even heard of this movie, but 1958's Colossus of New York features perhaps the most physically imposing robot ever seen. No, this is not a film based on Colossal Dave...that would be Colossus of Searcy, Arkansas.
At any rate, the gigantic man-like robot featured here is truly colossal...a lumbering ten-foot tall automaton with glowing eyes, roughly human features and a billowing cloak. The Colossus is controlled by the human brain of Ross Martin (Artemus Gordon from The Wild, Wild West).
It seems Ross' scientist dad took his son's brain out after a fatal accident and placed it in the body of his giant robot. Unfortunately, Sonny Boy is not too happy with this...he goes stark raving bonkers, using the awesome power of the Colossus for revenge on humanity. This is a great moody movie full of intelligent performances and, of course, that amazing robot.
2. Day The Earth Stood (1951)
When you are talking about awesome, physically impressive examples of robotics, few stand out more than Gort, the incredible alien robot from the classic 1951 Day The Earth Stood Still. With his smooth, seamless form towering above the puny humans in his midst, this metallic colossus is one of Hollywood's most memorable creations.
Gort is the silent guardian/partner of alien peacekeeper Klaatu, who comes to Earth to stop nuclear warfare. In the greater galactic society of which Klaatu is a part, Gort and those like him are policemen.
Armed with enough power to destroy a world and also to temporarily raise the dead, Gort is like a grim angel who can summon terrible and final justice. After Klaatu is shot by stupid human soldiers, only the three mystic words
"Klaatu barada nikto" keep Gort from annihilating mankind. Played by the gigantic 8-foot Lock Martin, who was doorman at Graumann's Chinese theater, Gort stands as an unforgettable robot.
1. Forbidden Planet (1956)
For my money, the inimitable Robbie the Robot is the best ever. He was the runaway star of the classic Forbidden Planet but has appeared in so many other movies and TV shows over the years that he's become as familiar a character actor as Victor Buono or Strother Martin.
Robbie has the look. Black and massive, he waddles around on stiff iron legs. His clear plastic head section reveals a multitude of circuits, gears and other gizmos (over the years, parts of Robbie's head would be altered). He can be either friend or foe.
In Forbidden Planet, he's probably the most human and noble character in the film. But in the low-budget Invisible Boy , he kidnaps a young child for nefarious purposes. Robbie's TV appearances are too numerous to mention. Ironically, he appeared on Lost In Space as an evil robot out to destroy the Robinson's own robot. He was in a Twilight Zone episode "The Brain Center AT Whipple's".
I believe he also made an appearance on the old Buck Rogers TV series of the 80's. Robbie's look is universal...he's indeed the ultimate robot and that explains his popularity over the years in many roles. He's a versatile cuss!
Well, humanoids, those are my picks for the best of the mechanical breed. Lots of others could have made the cut, including robots from Saturn 3, Gog ...hell, even Rosie from The Jetsons! Even if the future doesn't bring us robots like those above, our own imaginations will never cease to supply us with new artificial creations.
Until next time, this is Dr. Abner Mality, turning out the lights. To contact this writer, send your email to: drmality@wormwoodchronicles.com