A FINE BODY OF WORK; The Films of JESSE VENTURA

by Dr. Mality
Ah, humanoids, what a strange and wondrous place is the world we live in. In all the Good Doctor's travels through the various planes of reality, one thing above all is true: truth is indeed stranger than fiction. How else do we explain the amazing career of one Jim Janos? Jim who, you ask? Well, perhaps you would know Mr. Janos better by his other name: Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

I remember in the late 70s and early 80's when I and my compadres would head down to the sweltering Boylan High gym every month to see the battling bruisers of the American Wrestling Association knock each other silly. No heel was more roundly booed or despised than Jesse Ventura. This prancing muscleman, with his neon spandex and feather boas, was the very image of sneering arrogance.

Along with his frequent tag partner, the late Adrian Adonis, Ventura carved a path of destruction through his opponents. Even after he was forced to retire due to blood clots in his lungs (supposedly picked up during his stint as a Navy Seal in Nam), his runs as an announcer in both the WWF and WCW were marked by wicked egotism and vindictive belligerence.

Yet now Jesse Ventura is among the most respected of men. In an astounding political upset, he has captured the governorship of Minnesota. Well, good for him, say I. This balding politico, whom I showered with warm beer and spittle back in the glory days, has proven to be more honest and forthright than the usual hacks found in the halls of power. I personally hope Ventura will make feather boas mandatory for all state officials and make "Sympathy for the Devil" the new Minnesota state anthem.

Wrestling and politics are not the only talents of the versatile Ventura. He's also made quite a name for himself as an actor in rip-roaring action flicks. True, most of his parts are of the microscopic variety, but Jesse has had some chances to shine on the silver screen. And the performances of this "Renaissance Man" are what we'll be looking at here.

Some of Jesse's bit parts can be disposed of pretty quickly. His part in the execrable Batman and Robin was little more than a walk-on. Along with fellow muscleman Ralph Moeller, he plays a security guard who gets bamboozled by the curvaceous Poison Ivy. His bit in Demolition Man was also tiny, but that was due to poor editing. Playing one of the ruthless followers of Wesley Snipe's crazed Simon Phoenix, Ventura originally had several lines of dialogue...all cut from the final print.


Without a doubt, it's his appearances with good buddy Arnold Schwarzenegger that have gotten Jesse the most publicity. I doubt if many would disagree that Predator gives Ventura his most memorable role (his best was actually Abraxas, but more on that later). This is one of the great Schwarzenegger action flicks, owing a lot to Alien , but also the Rambo films, slasher flicks like Friday the 13th and even the old-time jungle adventure films. This movie is so macho you can smell the testosterone oozing from the frames.

Predator's plot is simple and well-known: Ah-nuld and his band of tough military boys are sent to a banana republic on a covert mission and find themselves stalked by a ruthless alien hunter. Dialogue is great and Schwartzy's teutonic accent is out of control. "He vuz SKINNED ALIVE!" he yells at one point, also wondering "Vat's got Billy so spooked?" This is the sort of stuff the legendary Colossal Dave pronounces "kick ass"!

However, it's Ventura who steals every scene he's in. Even amongst these bad-ass mofos, his rugged character of Blaine stands out. Hauling an incredible super machine gun that cuts down trees and spitting tobacco juice at the drop of a hat, this is one cat you don't want to cross. Trying to get another soldier to sample his chew, he rumbles, "Don't you know this stuff will make you a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus?"

Priceless! And then, of course, there's his legendary snappy comeback "I ain't got time to bleed". Unfortunately, Blaine doesn't last too long before the Predator guts him. This leads his good buddy Bill Duke to salute his corpse: "Here we are again, bro." For most casual moviegoers, Blaine remains Ventura's best-known and most widely seen part.


Jesse enjoyed movie-making with Arnold so much that he immediately signed up for Arnie's next action flick, The Running Man. In this clever sci-fi satire, The Body plays "Captain Freedom", a retired sports hero who's being used to sell the lethal "Running Man" gameshow where criminals are hunted down and killed before a live audience. I remember a hilarious scene where a toupee-sporting Captain Freedom, surrounded by dancing girls, stars in a completely bogus infomercial.

Ultimately, the Captain revolts against his masters and becomes an ally of Arnold and company. The movie has a great wild cast that includes former Family Feud host Richard Dawson, football great Jim Brown, rocker Mick Fleetwood, muscleman Sven-Ole Thorsen (who would later appear with Jesse in Abraxas ) and Japanese wrestling legend Toru Tanaka. Speaking of wrestling, Ventura co-starred with the Rowdy Scot himself, Roddy Piper, in Tag Team, a made-for-TV movie that I believe aired on ABC around 87/88.

Jesse and Hot Rod played two ex-wrestlers who became detectives and crime fighters. This was actually the pilot for a proposed weekly TV series. The whole country was crazy for pro wrestling in the late 80's and Tag Team was just one example of how the networks tried to cash in on the craze. Tag Team gave Ventura a chance to do something more than just play a bit part.

Abraxas
But Jesse's best starring role is amongst his most obscure. This is the title character of the low-budget gem Abraxas , Guardian of the Universe . This time, the Body was the unabashed star of the show and was prominently featured in all the ads. Made for what looks like about $50 somewhere in Jesse's native Minnesota, this film is nonetheless an entertaining potboiler with moments of excitement, pathos and genuine humor.

The plot is a weird combination of The Terminator and Starman. Ventura portrays Abraxas, a virtually immortal galactic policeman known as a Finder. With their superhuman strength, powerful weapons and all-knowing "answer boxes" to aid them, the Finders have kept the peace throughout the universe for millenia. Abraxas himself is over 11,000 years old.

Galactic peace is now being threatened by Secundus, a renegade Finder who was formerly Abraxas' partner. Played by hulking Swedish muscleman Sven-Ole Thorsen(who raised Thulsa Doom's snakes in Conan the Barbarian), Secundus has gone totally wacko in his quest for dominance. "You don't understand," he tells Abraxas."It's not about right or wrong...it's about power."

This quest for power has brought Secundus to our obscure backwater planet of Earth. Here, he hopes to father a mystical child known as a Comator. The Comator's mind possesses the secret of the Anti-Life Equation and when Secundus has the Equation, he will have total power. I know, it's gibberish, but put your brain under the seat and accept the premise. Abraxas captures Secundus but not before the renegade impregnates an Earth girl with his DNA.

The girl Sonia has his child in literally 5 minutes. . . an experience which leads to her being cast out of her own family. A nice performance, by the way, by unknown Marjorie Bransfield as Sonia. The child Tommy grows to be a mute whose powers are hidden. Secundus escapes from the prison planet where he was sentenced and returns to Earth. Once again, Abraxas is sent to stop him...and also to terminate Tommy, whom the galactic overlords feel is a threat to all existance.

The rest of the film follows the cat-and-mouse chase between Abraxas and Secundus, who leave a trail of devastation in their wake. Naturally, the local police are hot on their heels and also naturally, Abraxas falls in love with Sonia, much to the dismay of his superiors. Action sequences range from good to not so good but the best thing about Abraxas is its easy-going style and clever sense of humor. One memorable exchange comes when Abraxas is talking with a camper whose truck has been stolen by Secundus:

Man: Can you help track down my truck?
Abraxas: Of course. All officers on my force have VD.
Man: What?!
Abraxas: Vibrational Detectors. They recognize the unique molecular vibrations of any object that has been touched by a Finder.
Man: Well, why can't it detect this guy personally?
Abraxas: All officers of my force have been trained to avoid VD.

Equally as funny is the answer Secundus gets when he asks his answer box what an exotic dancer is: "Exotic dancers are birthing members of the human race specializing in contemporary fertility rites." The film winds up with a pyrotechnic climax and the expected showdown between the cops, Secundus and Abraxas. I won't reveal the actual end but I will say ol' Jesse comes out of this one in pretty good shape. Abraxas is a cool little movie and Jesse's best without a doubt.

Another obscure Ventura star vehicle is the direct-to-video Thunderground. Truth to tell, the Good Doctor has not seen this one yet as it is extremely hard to find, but I know it's a period piece set in the Depression and featuring Jesse as a bareknuckle fighterm (probably the villain). I'd really like to see this one! Yeah, it's amazing the curves life throws at you.

Who'da thunk that that loud-mouthed muscleman Jesse Ventura would be such a movie star, much less governor of Minnesota? Who knows? Maybe someday, Abraxas could be President! Until next time, you lilly-livered pukes, this is Dr. Abner Mality, turning out the lights.

To contact this writer, send your email to: drmality@wormwoodchronicles.com.